Cowboy Roy Reeves was born beneath a sagebrush along Route 19, in between US 95 and Greenleaf. It was lambing season, so his mother was reluctant to leave the ranch until there was verifiable human crowning. Being the veteran of several easy and predictable births, she mistakenly thought there would still be about twenty minutes or so to make it to the hospital. Instead, her fourth child was delivered by a ranch hand named Emilio, whom Mr. Reeves had sent to "make sure everything came out all right".

Cowboy Roy loves a good pair of pointy-toed boots and always appears to be wearing the same blue jean and shirt combination. In truth, he owns ten pairs of Wranglers and 32 western shirts of varying colors, but the untrained eye of Madame Amber can never tell the difference. Roy has been known, however, to don a wrestling unitard on a Friday night and accept all challengers, provided they contribute a 12-pack of Bud Light to the community cooler and register as a Republican. He has only been beaten once, by an unassuming Catholic priest who threatened damnation if he didn't win.

Being one of the few born-and-bred Idahoans in this great state of ours, Cowboy Roy serves as Uncle Boise's community affairs director. When not buying and selling ponies (his first love), Roy devotes a significant amount of his positive energy toward trying to figure out how to keep the natives in and the Californians out.

Contact: cowboyroy@uncleboise.com

Originally from Lake Charles, Louisiana, Crandal Boudreaux immigrated to Boise in 1998 to be closer to salmon. Because salmon are tasty creatures. He considers himself more than qualified to be Uncle Boise's food and art critic because he eats at least three times a day and he owns a high-quality reproduction of The Blue Boy, which hangs above his writing desk and provides constant inspiration. He is also a big fan of Giada De Laurentiis' cleavage.

Although he is a second cousin of Cajun hero Poopoo Broussard, Crandal is quick to point out that he is exceedingly more cultured than his bayou cousin despite their close resemblance. When Uncle Boise starts providing dental insurance, Crandal has vowed to get a little work done on those teeth to make the difference a tad more obvious.

Contact: crandal@uncleboise.com

Bill Munroe grew up on the wrong side of the tracks; namely Caldwell. The eldest son of poor sugar beet farmers, Bill's first full sentence as a child was, "Can I borrow a dollar?"

A true native Idahoan, Bill is a staunch advocate of closing the Idaho borders to further immigration. His preference is to build a twelve foot high wall around the entire state complete with land mines and razor wire. Failing that, he thinks we should at least charge admission fees.

Bill enjoys fly-fishing, drives a diesel pick-up, owns several firearms, and lets anyone within earshot know what he thinks about "those damn Californians." Dollar Bill and Cowboy Roy explore all things that are on the fringe of the Boise area and will attend any event that includes beer and firearms.

Contact: dollarbill@uncleboise.com

Efraim is the half-brother of Jack and the youngest son of Sir Mookie and Kitty "Badda Bing" Lee, one-time hostess at Denny's on West Sunset Boulevard and occasional performer at Hot Rod's Babe Emporium.

Eff, as he's known to his friends, is an avid adventurer and considers any activity that starts with "X" or "extreme" to be the next Olympic sport. Much like his older brother, Eff has traveled all over the world and knows the best slopes, waves, and brothels in 37 countries.

Much to our surprise, Eff can order beer and tacos in seven languages, is CPR certified, and has a degree in physics, which he uses to "discover the perfect zenith on the wave, dude!"

An Uncle Boise Public Service Announcement:
If you're out and about in the foothills and happen to hear the battle cry, "It's the X-games, baby!!!" get off of the trail and seek cover. Eff is on his way.

The Dupp Brothers are Uncle Boise's roving outdoors authorities and our favorite insurance liabilities.

Contact: effdupp@uncleboise.com

Frenchie Schofield has been known to drink coffee until his urine turns black and smells of Coco Puffs. He also has a cigarette habit he can no longer afford.

A self-professed francophile, he decided he wanted to be French when he fell in love with his high school French teacher. His burgeoning manhood shivered when she said words such as "sucer", "ramasser", and "chou chou". However, when he discovered that her live-in "ami" was a non-apologetic Greek who called all of her students malakas, he lost all respect for her but still vowed to go to France someday and find his own special French girl with whom he could pick grapes and make fun of the English.

Frenchie is currently writing the unofficial biography of Captain Mikey, and he spends his weekends learning how to make cheese from the milk of random animals.

Contact: frenchie@uncleboise.com

Grandma Lulu Reeves makes the best rum balls in the tri-county area. If you don't believe that, just ask her. She'll tell you how she won at the Ada County Fair in 1967, the Canyon County Fair in 1972, and the Owyhee County Fair in 1982. No other person has won such a triple crown. Lulu often mentions this fact to her friend and rival, Buell Bullock, who has only won in Ada and Owyhee for her oatmeal cookies.

Lulu was a dedicated viewer of The Price Is Right until Bob Barker retired. She tried to get used to that young man with the glasses and no neck, but it just wasn't the same. So now she spends that hour of her morning writing her early memoirs, which chronicle her childhood on a Nebraska poultry farm. It is tentatively titled Hold My Cock and Pullet: Grandma Tells All . She hopes to finish it before her husband croaks.

Lulu stays sharp by keeping tabs on her grandson, Cowboy Roy Reeves. Every time Roy writes an article for his series Red State Jamboree, Lulu reads it and writes a suitable response. She also writes the occasional article on gardening or manners. She doesn't really get the whole email thing, so don't bother trying to contact her that way. It's best you write her a letter on good stationery. Remember, penmanship counts.

Hugh Ballsley is Uncle Boise's expert on Boise nightlife and the bar scene.
An aficionado of fine--

I'm not gonna let some flamin' pantywaist amateur write my bio. It's my bio. Mine!

I don't have a problem. YOU all have the problem, so why don't you mind your own business? Freakin' Jesuits. I don't tell you what to do, do I? Why don't you take a long walk off a short pier? I was writing crap before you were even a gleam in your daddy's eye, so don't you tell me I have a problem.

Hey, Dollar, can I borrow five bucks? You're my only real friend. Well, you and Jack. Jack Daniel's that is! I love you, man!

--spirits and cigars, Hugh brings the highest level of professionalism and culture to the Uncle Boise family.

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James, Jack to the world at large, is the eldest son of famed British explorer, Sir Mookie Dupp. Sir Mookie won international fame as the only surviving member of an ill-fated attempt to find the legendary Arctic Buffalo Penguin in 1962. In 1957 he was knighted by the fledgling Queen Elizabeth II for saving the Queen Mother and the Queen of Sheba from the scandalous fallout of a bet gone wrong. Details are scarce but the incident is alleged to have involved a bottle of 1800 Napoleon, the game Truth or Dare, and a Great Dane.

Following in his father's footsteps, Jack left home at an early age to find fame and fortune. Jack never found fame, but he did lose a fortune, and a smoking-hot brunette, during a poker game in a casino in Monte Carlo.

During his walkabouts, Jack blazed his way through 46 countries and all seven continents, learning amazing skills while doing a variety of jobs:

• Elephant dung handler


• Steam barge hull cleaner


• Lieutenant in the Indian Army (feather, not dot)


• Short-order cook at Liam's House of Haggis


• Teaching English at the Tower of London

Jack speaks English fluently, knows the best medical clinics in 29 countries, believes that next to Guinness bourbon is the only drink worthy of his devotion, and possess a weakness for blue-eyed beauties with raven-coloured hair, especially nurses.

A little known fact about Jack is that his eye was lost in his early teens during a horrible rubber-band gun duel between his brother, Efraim, and Ezra Pound's great-, great-grandson, Tyrone.

The Dupp Brothers are Uncle Boise's roving outdoors authorities and our favorite insurance liabilities.

Contact: jackdupp@uncleboise.com

In 1986, Jimmy Malone was born to dumb parents. For his eighth birthday, dear old Dad got him a pack of Camels and a book of matches, telling him to make them last. For little Jimmy, that was the beginning of the end. He's been collecting vintage matchbooks from bars ever since, earning him the moniker of "Matches."

An accomplished pianist, Matches' dream of becoming a member of the Boise Philharmonic was dashed when he was diagnosed with Restless Leg Syndrome. Since then, he's worked tirelessly to promote awareness of the plight of rare African Pygmy Rhinoceroses.

Matches came to the Uncle Boise family as our nightlife correspondent to spite his ex-wife and was willing to work for free; both qualities we appreciate.

Contact: matches@uncleboise.com

Raised Amish in central Pennsylvania, Madame Amber eventually discovered that she liked zippers, soap, horseless carriages, and mass-produced Chinese trinkets. Going against the elders' wishes, she left the family farm at 18 to go to school at The Ohio State University, where a stint as resident advisor in a women's dorm allowed her to discover her talent for relationship building. Eventually she graduated, shaved her armpits (some habits die hard), and lit out for the Idaho Territory to make her fortune, which is currently about $998,000 short of a million. In addition to dispensing free advice on Uncle Boise, she works part-time as a counselor at a retreat for former porn addicts.

Contact: madame@uncleboise.com

Maria's two passions have always been body building and plus-sized men. In high school, she trained with the state champion shot putter until she caught him having pizza with a lady pole vaulter. In college, she had a long-standing relationship with a Delta Chi brother named Moose, although an alleged infidelity led to his near-drowning in a kiddie pool full of beer at the homecoming kegger. Since then, she continues to train, even though she has never finished higher than 18th at any competition and is often mocked for having something never seen at the women's competition: boobs. She's also had numerous short relationships with offensive linemen and Polish bowlers, the result of which is two children for whom only she knows the paternity.

When not perfecting her clean and jerk, Maria strolls the sidewalks of Boise looking for odd people and places - or, as she likes to say, things that are just a beat off. We figured we had a place for that kind of material, so we made her the Beat Off Reporter.

For those of you wondering about her current man situation, let's just say that the report from the newsroom is that there's a new man making her heart go pitter patter. Sorry, boys.

Contact: major@uncleboise.com

Pat Zanghi is the only person to ever camp out at Memorial Stadium so he could be the first to buy season tickets for the Boise Hawks. He brought a cooler full of pre-made mojitos to share with all the fellow Hawks fans in line, but when no one else showed up, he drank an entire Dickey's BBQ Yellow Souvenir Cup full of the tasty concoction, sang Take Me Out to the Ball Game in the voice of Harry Caray, and then passed out. When he awoke, he was dismayed to discover that the Hawks mascot (or at least the 16-year-old who dressed as the mascot) had cut to the front of the line in an effort to buy a set of premium discounted tickets for his cousin Willy. Pat has been anti-mascot since that day.

When not actually doing his duty as an athletic supporter, Pat serves as Uncle Boise's sports and recreation editor. He also hates Bigfoot.

Contact: zanghi@uncleboise.com

Born a poor white child on the wrong side of the tracks in Eagle, Precious is the only member of the Uncle Boise family that knows what Willis was talking about. As a child it quickly became apparent that our Precious possesses a radar for the quirkier aspects of life that would make a homing pigeon cry.

At the tender age of seven, little Precious learned that the hamburger she was devouring at dinner was in fact her missing pet cow, Patty. A strict Vegan since that night, she seldom misses a chance to educate Cowboy Roy on the rights of animals and buttercups while maintaining a strict diet of tofu, vegetables, and soy milk, or as Crandal calls it, "healthy things that taste like raccoon droppings, but won't kill you out of sheer spite."

Naturally pastier than Dollar Bill's arm above the farmer's tan, our Precious accidentally overdosed on pigment-enhancing pills and tanning oil during her senior year in preparation for Homecoming, resulting in a startling transformation from Gwyneth Paltrow to Rihanna with a dash of Nell Carter.

Ms. Montenegro's knack for falling down stairs and stumbling into walls makes her Uncle Boise's second greatest insurance liability, behind the Dupp brothers, and has earned her a spot amongst our On The Fringe reporters.

Contact: precious@uncleboise.com

Roman "Helmut" Trevino is the Uncle Boise intern. He is also the Idaho record holder for most submissions to the Urban Dictionary, frequently sharing his expertise on terms such as "Cleveland Steamer", "Rusty Trombone", "Teabagging", and "Dirty Sanchez". He might be the only person ever to take his four-year-old son to a job interview. We were willing to overlook that fact, however, because the boy kept saying "my dad poops his pants" at various inopportune times during the interview. We figured a kid like that is worth having around.

Roman grows strawberries, hybrid irises, and medicinal herbs. He despises the Turks. If he could be anyone in the world, he would be Carrot Top. He sees value in junk and doesn't believe in non-fiction books. If you ask him where he's from, he'll say Wisconsin, although no one believes him because he talks like a Mississippi county sheriff. He's sad that he's losing his hair, but he realizes that this turn of events will just give him a great opportunity to resurrect his late father's hairpiece collection.

Contact: roman@uncleboise.com