Things got quite tense the other day on the HP campus when several employees in Building 5 accused Brent Olsen, a fellow HP employee, of cropdusting the main walkway in the building.

"I was walking behind Brent, and he kind of paused a little bit, and that's when I started to smell it," says engineer Terry Edmonds. "I know he was cropdusting, because he got kind of nervous when he noticed we were behind him."

Accountant Gary Walker was walking beside Edmonds and also noticed the disruption in the normally inoffensive HP air. "I heard a noise, like paper ripping, and then I smelled something pretty awful all the way down the hall. It reminded me of those bad beer farts I get when I'm hung over."

Edmonds and Walker confronted Olsen when they got to the break room, but Olsen adamantly denied any wrongdoing, and he remains steadfast in his innocence. "There was a project manager in front of me," says Olsen. "If you smelled anything bad, then she did it. She's a vegetarian, so her cube always smells like a compost pile."

After finding an alarming amount of dog poop at foothills trailheads, the City of Boise has expanded their search in an effort to educate the public about a growing problem. What they found has made a lot of noise at City Hall.

"I was hiking Crestline the other day, and the amount of deer poop I saw really made a splash," says Foothills Open Space Manager Julia Grant. "I know it might sound corny, but the foothills should not be a dumping ground for any animal that wanders into them."

Preliminary counts by volunteers indicate that mule deer, rabbits, foxes, coyotes, elk, and even bears are using the foothills as a crapper, and it seems as if not a single animal lover has bothered to clean up any of the mess when they see it.

"I think all these animals pooping in our desert is just repulsive. It's worse than mud in the eye," says counter Lynn Shoots. "It's almost as if all those animals were born in a barn or something. Those dingleberries need to show some respect for our open space."

Grant says the problem is growing, inch by inch, every day. "I don't think I'm fudging the numbers a bit when I say that hundreds or even thousands of animals are dropping deuces next to our trails every morning, day, and night. In many cases they're even doing it right on the trail," says Grant. "We've got to pinch off this dirty behavior right now, or we'll soon find that the future of our foothills has been flushed down the loo. It won't be easy, but I think people will quickly realize that a little grunt work now will all be worth it in the end."

With Ada County considering switching emissions testing companies, many local residents fear that all the red vans currently used as testing stations will soon be back cruising the streets, with their drivers luring children inside with Blow Pops and puppies. The potential new testing company, SysTech International, has said it would set up small testing shacks instead of vans, thereby eliminating the big red eyesores that many people have complained about for years. But the thought of rolling all the current testing vans back onto the road horrifies many parents and community organizers.

"We currently have 80% of the area's molester vans painted in a bright and recognizable manner, and they are all parked in high visibility areas so we can keep track of them," says children's advocate Katie Sinclair. "If their owners no longer have jobs as emission testers, there will soon be an orgy of pedophilia on our streets. The government can't do that to our children. We must keep the current system."

Emissions tester Frank DeLong says a change by Ada County would certainly cost him his job, but that he's prepared for the worst. "I bought this gray spray paint at Walmart yesterday, so if I lose my business I have no choice but to paint the van, dust off the mattress inside, and do what I used to do -- cruise the streets on the Bench and offer free rides to kids under ten."

City spokesman Adam Park says he doesn't want to put children in danger, but a lot of folks could really benefit from the projected $9 savings on the cost of each test. "Parents can use the money they save to buy candy for their kids or a used bike. That way the kids aren't tempted to get into the vans," says Park.

Mayor Bieter's feverish devotion to the downtown streetcar concept took a new turn yesterday when he announced that a good showing in this year's US Census could generate enough extra cash to pay for the streetcar and other public works.

Speaking at a local VFW Hall, Bieter told the audience that, "The amount of government money we get is wholly dependent on the number of residents we have, so the simple solution is to make sure we look really good on paper, if you know what I mean."

To that end, Bieter then laid out a plan he says will ensure that the city competes favorably with Portland and Salt Lake City for critical federal funding.

"If you had any out-of-town visitors last year who stayed at your house more than two days, they qualify as a Boise resident as far as I'm concerned. And if the visitor was your mother-in-law, that counts double."

The mayor then went on to describe the rules for counting pets. "If your dog has a human-sounding name, he or she automatically qualifies. So anyone who has a Jack Russel Terrier named Jack, for example, can automatically count that dog as a member of the family for census purposes. Furthermore, if you can change a few letters of your dog's name and make it human-sounding, they will also qualify. For instance, if your dog's name is Rover, you can start calling him Roger for a few days so he can be counted. It's simple but effective."

Mayor Bieter said the immediate population boom from his new strategy will easily earn Boise a much greater share of federal dollars, paying for the entire streetcar project and a proposed downtown water park.

"I encourage you all to be very creative when filling out your census," said Bieter. "After all, that's the only way we'll ever be able to ride the new streetcar down to our kick-ass wave pool."

The Alexander family of Nampa just can't catch a break. The family of three was scheduled to take a winter vacation to Haiti in late January, but their visit to the quaint, palm-lined streets of Port-au-Prince had to be canceled due to the devastating earthquake. Not one to admit defeat, Ted Alexander then scheduled a wine country tour of central Chile for early March. However, the recent earth-shaking developments in that region of South America also caused a cancellation. Two months of disappointments have left Ted and his wife, Lucy, wondering where they should try next.

"I guess we're on a bit of a losing streak," says Ted. "But all losing streaks eventually come to an end, so we're going to keep trying."

The Alexanders say they have a few places in mind for April. "I've always wanted to go to San Francisco and see Alcatraz and all the seals," says Lucy Alexander. "I also love the rustic, frontier appeal of Anchorage, Alaska. Either of those places would be great, but I think my husband might have his heart set on Japan."

San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsom thinks his city really wouldn't be a good fit for the Alexanders. "There's a whole lot of crime in San Francisco, the food sucks, and our enormous gay community would certainly make the Alexanders extremely uncomfortable. I think they would have a much better vacation on the East Coast, or even in Europe," says Newsome.

Anchorage mayor Dan Sullivan offers a similar opinion about his city. "Anchorage in April is just horrible. It's really, really cold, the wind never stops blowing, and the polar bears come into town and eat people. This is one of the most God-forsaken places on earth. Please do yourselves a favor and go to Australia."

Japanese Prime Minister Yukio Hatoyama was similarly displeased with the Alexanders' list of possible destinations. "The Japanese people deal with the horrors of Godzilla, contaminated sushi, and awful karaoke every single day. It is not something you want to experience if you do not have to. An African safari would really be the trip of a lifetime. I ask the Alexanders to please, please, please consider that instead."

A recent trip to Jackpot paid big dividends for Jared Cartwright, a cafeteria worker at St. Luke's Hospital in downtown Boise. Instead of spending the night alone in his Cactus Pete's hotel room, he had a little unexpected company.

"I was playing some quarter slots, and this cocktail waitress kept bringing me free drinks. She wasn't really hot or anything, but I figured she was about the best thing going in Jackpot. So I was nice to her and asked about her kids and stuff."

Cartwright says that he eventually asked her what time her shift ended, and then he met her at the video poker machines. "After three or four more beers, I really didn't notice her smoker's cough or her big hair anymore," he says. "That's when she became super bangable."

After a night spent "abusing the hotel bed like a rental car", Cartwright says he offered to buy her breakfast, but that it didn't end up being necessary. "She gets free buffet tickets because she works there," he says. "So I even got a free breakfast out of the deal. At that point I figured everything was gonna be good, because even if I got the clap later, I work at a hospital and have pretty good insurance."

Cartwright says he plans to go back to Jackpot next month and try his luck again. "There are a lot of homely cocktail waitresses at Cactus Pete's, so I think my odds are pretty good if I offer to buy dinner," he says.

It seems that Boise and its citizens just keep racking up the national accolades. This week, Runner's World magazine announced that Boise resident Warren Thompson has been named their A-Hole Jogger of the Week. For Thompson and all the people he frequently meets on the trail, the award comes as no surprise.

"That jackhole thinks he owns the trail," says mountain biker Rich Cooper. "I see him three times a week, and every time I try to pass him on my way down he just stays in the middle and acts like he doesn't hear me or see me. I have to go off the trail to avoid him. I've even seen him yell at horseback riders because he got some horse crap on his shoes. He's really a prick of the highest order."

Christina Kuhl, who walks Crestline and Sidewinder with her dog every morning, agrees. "Every time he runs past me, he yells at me to keep my dog out of his way, even if the dog is twenty feet from the trail. I'd really like to kick him in the balls sometime."

For Thompson, an executive at HP, the award is a notable accomplishment. "I've been recognized for my racquetball prowess, my tennis game, and my outstanding golf drive," he says, "so it's about time people noticed my excellent running form and my dedication to the sport. I can honestly say I deserve this award, just like I deserve my Lexus and my sweet corner office."

Despite its reputation as the tightest-knit bar in the area, the Boulevard Bar in Garden City recently announced that Darnell Sharperson has earned regular status.

"At first we weren't sure about that guy," says Tammy Price, who has been a regular at the Boulevard since she was sixteen. "But then he did a few dirty-looking things with a pool cue and a support beam that really turned me on. He's good people."

Boulevard regular Bob Carson agrees. "This guy was regular material from the get-go. He chain-smokes Marlboros, he kicks butt at Golden Tee, and he can put more english on a cue ball than Pretty Boy Floyd. A lot of the younger kids in here really look up to him," says Carson.

Sharperson says he's really happy that he finally found a new second home. "I'd been looking for a new regular hangout for a few months, whenever I was off from my job as an OTR driver. I tried places like Terry's State Street Saloon and The Quarter Barrel, but they just didn't have the fun-loving attitude I was looking for. Then I found the Boulevard. It's a good feeling to know that I can go down there any given night and be flashed by gals who might be under 50. You just don't get that at Turner's."

Anheuser Busch is looking to raise the bar for light beers once again, and it has chosen Boise as a test market for its new beer. Building on the success of its Michelob Ultra and Budweiser Select 55 products, the former American-owned mega brewery has developed the world's first zero-calorie beer, which it has named Bud Zilch.

"After years of trying, we were finally able to get everything of caloric importance out of the beer," says AB president David A. Peacock. "The trick was to stop using mainstays like malted barley, rice, corn, hops, and yeast. Then we really started concentrating on the water. In the end, we came up with something that married fat guys can drink a ton of and not gain any long-term weight."

The new beer is already on tap at most local bars. Customers at 10th Street Station in Downtown Boise gave it mixed reviews.

"I drank a few the other night, and the emo punks at the end of the bar never got any more attractive. Usually it only takes one Black Butte Porter before I start asking them about their tight pants," says Hillary Johnson of Boise.

Blake Dillon of Meridian says he likes the new brew. "I was hitting the Fat Tire pretty hard last night, but then I slammed a couple Bud Zilches before I left the bar. It was light, refreshing, and took care of my hiccups right away. Plus I felt great when I woke up this morning."

Pablo Gonzalez, Vice President of Logistics for AB, says he expects the demand for Bud Zilch to grow exponentially this summer. "We think Bud Zilch will be a great hot-weather beverage. You can drink it all day at the beach and still stay on top of your volleyball game. You can drink a few while mowing the yard and not get parched. We really think this is a watershed moment for the beer world. We're putting all the craft breweries on notice," says Gonzales.