Amid numerous concert announcements this week, the Idaho Statesman has confirmed that Frank Zappa will not be playing Taco Bell Arena this summer. This news saddened many local Zappa fans, who were hoping to get a glimpse of the eccentric music icon without traveling far and wide.

"Frank Zappa is, like, my rock 'n roll hero," says Theresa Falconer of Boise. "I never eat yellow snow, and it's all because of Zappa. He's a genius."

"I haven't taken a good acid trip in a long time," adds Tyler Creek of Boise. "So it would be awesome if Zappa came to town and gave me an excuse. It would definitely be way cool to talk to all my dead ferrets again."

The Zappa camp has been strangely silent about their decision not to come to the Gem State.

"I've been trying to contact Frank Zappa for weeks," says Statesman entertainment editor Michael Deeds, "but I can't get a word out of that guy. A lot of people want to know if we can at least get Dweezil on stage at the Knitting Factory."

Boise mayor Dave Bieter, himself a huge Zappa fan, says he is willing to do whatever it takes to get the psychedelic rocker to town.

"The word on the street is that Zappa doesn't get around much anymore," says Bieter. "But if I have to write a letter or send him some high-quality shrooms, I'm willing to do it."

Growing weary of the ongoing protest camp set up at the old Ada County Courthouse grounds, members of the Idaho legislature finally agreed to a solution yesterday. However, the proposed solution did not come without several hours of heated debate between state republicans and democrats.

After House Assistant Majority Leader Scott Bedke initially submitted a bill that called for "large industrial land movers and logging shredders" to level the camp site and create a reusable mulch from the tents, cots, portable heaters, and other items currently spread across the site, Democrats rallied against the bill, claiming it was too forceful.

"It's not the purpose of government to just sweep people away with large machines and hope they find a less visible place to go," said Idaho Rep. Brian Cronin.

Cronin and other Democrats then suggested that they use smaller, less threatening vehicles such as golf carts or four-wheelers to gently nudge the campers and their gear to the sidewalk, where the displaced protesters would be given free push carts so they could haul all of their gear to a shelter, church, or other place of lodging. Republicans balked at this plan, however, because it reportedly involved too much taxpayer money.

"These illegal campers don't deserve a free push cart and other government handouts," said Republican Senate Pro Tem Brent Hill. "What they need is a boot in the ass."

In the end, after six hours of debate, a compromise was reached. Removal crews will use small bulldozers and Bobcats, and they will scrape the occupants and their belongs off the property using firm but gentle pressure. All the Occupiers will then be shipped via flatbed truck to city-owned property south of town.

Rep. Bedke says that the new Occupy Boise site, which is in between a shooting range and a sewage lagoon, can be occupied indefinitely.

"As long as they pay for their own portable toilets and don't erect any permanent structures, I don't think anyone will give them any more problems," adds Bedke.

Ex-DUI offender Scott Andrus made headlines recently when he tried to secure promises of sobriety from all Idaho lawmakers for the upcoming legislative session. Although his request initially received a lukewarm positive response from the legislature's known teetotalers, Senator John McGee took a stand against the request yesterday.

"Although I vow not to repeat my drunken barefoot escapade from last year, I still maintain my right to carry out the business of state during the day while getting moderately drunk at night," McGee said in a written response. "I don't think I'm alone is saying that being a lawmaker is really boring at times, while other times it is incredibly frustrating because of all the dickhead Democrats we're forced to tolerate. That's why I'll be spending my evenings with Jim Beam. In the end, I think it makes me a better senator, provided I can avoid dry heaving in the senate chambers the next morning."

McGee, who stole an SUV during his infamous Drunken Father's Day Spree last year, says he learned a lesson from that experience and now knows how to "take it to the limit" and still have a great time.

"I've already used my get-out-of-jail-free card, so I'm putting extra effort into boozing it up this session without affecting my job performance or breaking any laws," says McGee. "So while you might see me taking off my shirt and swinging it above my head while an escort chokes me with my belt, I'll make sure the escort is over 18, and I'll also be sure to do it before 10pm so I get a good night's sleep."

Bogus Basin officials believe they've come up with a plan to get the ski resort open soon, despite the lack of winter snow. At an emergency meeting last night, board members discussed numerous options and settled on a two-part plan to save the non-profit resort from serious financial trouble.

"With Mother Nature not cooperating, we're well aware that we've got to buckle down and give her a hand," says Bogus Basin spokesperson Gretchen Anderson. "But because we don't have any regular snowmaking equipment, we had to get extremely creative."

The first part of the plan involves gathering all the Hawaiian shaved ice shacks in the valley and trucking them up to the resort, where they will be put into 24-hour operation.

"The ice shaving machines in the shacks can produce a five-gallon bucket of tasty snow every five minutes. When we've got a couple buckets of it, we'll have one of our employees carry them up and dump them on the Stewart's Bowl run. We'll do this over and over until we've got a decent amount of coverage."

The second part of the plan involves what Anderson calls a "Bring Your Own Snow" promotion that the resort intends to run for the rest of January.

"Anyone who brings up a load of snow will be given a free ski pass for a later day plus a burger in the Simplot Lodge," says Anderson. "Folks around here are used to pitching in and helping out, so this is a great way for people with pickup trucks and vans to feel like they're making a difference. Even if you can only bring up a backpack full of the white stuff, every little bit counts."

Bogus Basin general manager Mike Shirley says it's going to take a community effort this year to get the resort open.

"If 62,000 people each bring up three truckloads of snow every day for about a month, we'll definitely be able to get Stewart's Bowl open by Groundhog Day," says Shirley. "You'll probably have to carry your skis up to the top of the snow and watch out for the big rocks on the way down, but if you take your own flavored syrup you'll be able to have all the shaved ice you want. That's a perk that Brundage and Sun Valley won't have."

On Monday the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints revealed their plans to build a new temple in Meridian at the corner of Linder and Chinden. Although it will be the fifth temple in Idaho, the church says it will be unlike any other temple in the world.

"Our new temple will feature two new amenities that we're very excited about," says church spokesman Jonathan Shepherd. "First and foremost, our new temple will feature a 32-lane bowling alley called the Joseph Smith Lanes to Heaven."

According to Shepherd, the church will supply bowling balls emblazoned with the face of the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, and each bowling pin will contain wicked scenes from outer darkness. When the game is over, each bowler will make a new commitment to God and contribute one dollar to the Missionary Fund for every evil pin he or she knocked over.

"It's a very fun, enjoyable, and godly way to add to your basic tithe," says Shepherd. "And if someone bowls a 300 game, they get a discounted sugar-free Slushy from the concession stand, along with their name and score on a miniature golden plate."

The second new church amenity is a four-chair tattoo parlor, where members will be able to be permanently marked with Book of Mormon scenes or popular bible verses.

"There's no better way to show your devotion to the church than by getting some righteous Mormon ink done," says Shepherd.

To prepare for the new tattoo parlor, the church sent several members from Salt Lake City to intern at various tattoo parlors in Southern California.

"I think one of our new artists actually studied under Kat Von D," adds Shepherd. "He did excellent work on the Brigham Young tat I've got on my upper back."

Shepherd says that if the two new amenities are successful at the Meridian temple, the church plans to roll them out to all of their temples across the world.

"If the Meridian temple can generate an extra 2.5 million dollars per year for the Missionary Fund and get over 50% of our local membership to share their chaste flesh with the inky likeness of Gordon B. Hinckley or any of our other prophets, we'll definitely call this a success."

Jennifer Schultz, an administrative assistant for Boise Industrial Roofing, always dreamed she'd meet the governor. She just never thought it would be at her office Christmas party, and that Idaho's top elected official would be more than a little tipsy.

"We were having our annual holiday party at the Grove Hotel when someone noticed the governor and one of his staff members at the no-host bar double-fisting whiskey sours," says Schultz. "Otter was winking at everyone and tipping his cowboy hat at the ladies. It kinda went downhill from there."

Schultz says that Otter soon started butting into conversations, asking if anyone wanted to see his horse, which he said was tethered right outside the back door.

"We were trying to enjoy ourselves in a situation that's normally very awkward anyway, but the governor just made it more awkward," says Schultz. "It was really, really weird when he told me that he treasured my vote more than any other, and that we should do stuff like this more often, because that's what good buddies do."

Schultz's manager, Jacob Crosley, adds that Governor Otter was telling everyone that he started drinking early in the afternoon after a few legislative meetings that were "boring as all hell", and that he was ready to "have a few belts and then sign some cotton-pickin' bills into law."

"Eventually the governor and his aide started photo bombing the picture area," says Crosley. "We kept trying to get him away from the area, but he insisted on asking everyone if he could 'let the gubernatorial moon shine on their Christmas picture'."

Schultz says that after thirty minutes of dealing with the governor, she and her boss decided to act like the party was ending so that the governor might decide to leave and go somewhere else.

"We told him the party was over and that we were headed back to the office to do a little work, but he wanted to tag along and find some beer. So that's when we called the front desk and had them send someone up to inform the governor that someone had stolen his horse. When the governor and his aide went out to take a look, we locked the doors behind them."

According to Crosley, Governor Otter came back and banged on the door awhile, pleading with them to open it because he was "drier than an Owyhee summer."

"We told him were were packing up, and that we'd meet him over at Dirty Little Roddy's in ten minutes so we could watch him ride the mechanical bull. That finally did the trick," adds Crosley.

After seeing sales of Martin Lawrence films, P. Diddy CDs, and Cadillac Escalades skyrocket on Black Friday, many retailers were starting to let themselves believe that the long national recession was over. Sadly, it appears those hopes might turn out to be ill advised.

The Sunday after Thanksgiving, often referred to as Asian Sunday, is when consumers traditionally begin buying calculators, car stereos, compact cars, and sushi in elevated numbers, and it's always seen as a good indication of what consumers' spending habits will be for the rest of the holiday season. According to many big-box stores, spending was way down this Asian Sunday, up to 50% in some places compared to last year. For retailers in the Boise area, that fact is a bit puzzling.

"We saw record numbers in here on Black Friday," says Jim Presley, who manages a sports apparel store in Boise Towne Square Mall. "We couldn't keep Yankee caps and basketballs on the shelves. Everyone wanted them. But yesterday there was hardly anyone in the store all day. We were fully stocked with Yao Ming and Ichiro jerseys, and none of them sold. Not a single one. To make matters worse, I have no idea how we're going to get rid of 50 cases of ping pong paddles."

Economist Dave Barnes of the Boise Economic Watch says that the ongoing actions of North Korea were probably on Americans' minds as they shopped on Asian Sunday.

"People don't want to associate their Christmas presents with a crazy Asian dictator," says Barnes. "It's OK if it's a silent Asian dictator with a firm grasp of exports, trade deficits, and currency, like you see with China. But a batshit-crazy dictator who looks like an old woman is completely unpalatable to most Americans' pocketbooks."

Although most retailers say they are very concerned at this point, all of them are still holding out hope for December 7th, also known as White Wednesday. Jerry Boyle, owner of a craft beer specialty store in Meridian, says he expects to set a record for microbrew beer sales that day.

"Black Friday is never very good for me, and Asian Sunday is always worse," says Boyle. "But White Wednesday is always awesome, because everybody knows white people can't get enough craft beer."

In a move that surprised many of their regulars, the Crescent 'No Lawyers' Bar and Grill has announced that paralegals can come inside now, but only under certain restrictions.

"After much deliberation, we decided it would be OK if paralegals come inside our establishment, as long as they use the warped pool cues and stay away from the Golden Tee Golf game," says Crescent manager Bob Mankowski.

According to Mankowski, it has always been their policy to ban anyone who works in a law office from patronizing the Crescent, simply because they all "stink like garbage" and should be ashamed of themselves for contributing to the destruction of our society. But recent lobbying from a former paralegal turned line cook was enough to get them to reconsider their policy.

"It was a tough decision for us, because we want to maintain our standards and keep all the dickheads out. But in the end, we realized that all paralegals do is take dictation and file papers, so they're really no more than an administrative assistant. That's why we decided to let them in the door now, with various restrictions to protect us from whatever shady habits they've picked up from their employers."

Many of the Crescent's regular clients are unhappy with this change in policy.

"Everyone knows that all paralegals really wish they were lawyers," says HVAC technician Harvey Sikes. "If they were smart enough or had richer parents, they'd be lawyers, no doubt about it. And anyone who wants to be a lawyer should be treated like one."

"I think it's just sad," says Larry Robinson, who's been going to the Crescent for ten years. "They protected the golf game, but what about the horseshoe pits? Everybody knows that paralegals cheat at horseshoes. Sometimes they're even worse than lawyers."

Mankowsi says that if the place starts to get overrun with paralegals, or if they start showing up in pairs and talking about work, the Crescent will likely revert to its old policy.

"If we start to get complaints that they're cheating, lying, and bilking our other clients out of their drinking money -- in other words, if they act like lawyers -- that'll be the end of it."

Boise Police arrested Nampa resident James Allen Franklin, 37, for DUI Wednesday evening. It is Franklin's 28th DUI arrest in the last five years, making him the Idaho record holder for driving under the influence. The previous record holder was Ralph "Blue Label" Walker of Pocatello, who was arrested 27 times over an illustrious drinking career of fifty years.

According to the police report, Franklin first pulled alongside a police car on the Connector, rolled down his window, and began yelling that he was drunk and needed a breathalyzer. Franklin then reportedly drove his late model Range Rover erratically and exceeded the posted speed limit, at which time police complied with Franklin's wishes and pulled him over. Police say Franklin appeared to intentionally fail a field sobriety test before registering a .09 blood alcohol content level at the jail. The legal BAC limit for driving in Idaho is under .08 percent.

Franklin held a press conference this morning where he drank a celebratory bottle of craft beer and thanked his parents, his bartenders, his boss, his office co-workers and everyone else who helped him achieve his goal.

"I just want to say that I never thought this day would come. A lot of haters out there told me it couldn't be done, that a normal guy from Nampa couldn't do what it takes. But after five years of sore wrists, annoying probation, and mild to moderate hangovers, I've finally gotten to the top of the mountain, and it feels good."

"It's amazing that he got it done in five years," says Franklin's brother Billy. "I've got a few DUIs myself, so I know how difficult it is. But James isn't one to let the potential consequences of bad decisions discourage him from getting a record, especially if the only thing in his way is an ineffectual legal system."

Franklin's record doesn't sit well with everyone, however.

"We're well aware that he's now the record holder for DUIs, and he'll get credit for that accomplishment," says Boise Police Chief Michael Masterson. "But in all honesty, it kinda feels like he mailed this one in just to get the record."

"It's a tainted record, no doubt about it," adds veteran drinker Trisha Kinsella of Boise. "I've got eight DUIs, and I guarantee you I worked hard for every single one of them. Not a single one was under .20, and I'm proud of that. He should be ashamed of himself."

This is not the first time that Franklin's DUI techniques have been questioned. But despite being called a hack, a fraud, and a Jack Mormon by the state's hard-core drunk population, Franklin has never wavered.

"A win is a win," he says. "It doesn't mater if you win by .01 percent or .10 percent. I was still legally drunk, and I'm still taking home the trophy."

Franklin is scheduled to appear in court on December 6 to receive his 28th slap on the wrist and to learn how many hours he'll be spending with his "good friends" in Saturday community service.

"We have a great time picking up trash and swapping drinking stories," he says. "It's really a great way to spend a Saturday, getting some exercise and fresh air. I look forward to it."