The letter is from Danny, a Bobcat operator from West Boise. He writes:

Dear Madame Amber: I'm thinking about trading up for an Asian chick. Vietnamese or Japanese will work, or even one of them Chinese dragon ladies. But no Koreans, because they have huge heads. You see, my current girlfriend, Trisha, is really boring and I'm looking to make things a little more exotic in my life. At first I thought about trying to talk Trisha into a little back door fun, but she's really religious and stuff, so I think I'd be wasting my time. That's when I got the idea about Asian chicks. They're so mysterious. I don't think I've ever really talked to one. If I could find a nice one who can walk on my back, fix a great cup of tea, and get creative with her happy endings, I think life would definitely start getting better. Do you think this is a good idea? Personally, I prefer chicks with blonde hair, but I'm willing to go black if you think I'll come out a winner.

Dear Danny: I don't think you're on the right track here. I too went through an Asian phase, and it's not all it's cracked up to be. I once had an intimate encounter with an Asian couple, and it was all but ruined by the fact that those people are all so darn short. Do you realize how many restrictions that puts on things when you're as tall as I am? I'm 6'5", for goodness sake. It just didn't work out well at all. I think the guy needed a saddle to get things all level and stuff, and finding the girl was like playing a game of Marco Polo. If you're looking for an exotic time, you need to find yourself a Russian woman. That whole veil of communism makes them very mysterious, and after she gets good and drunk you can do whatever you want to her. They come in all kinds of hair colors, too, so you're not limiting yourself to black. And they always want to go around naked here in the U.S. because it's so warm to them, even in the winter. I think every Russian woman I've ever met has been a veritable nudist like that, and it makes for some really good cocktail parties. They're skinny, too, because they're not used to eating very much. So if you take one out for dinner, you'll save a load of cash. I guarantee it. And then you'll have some fun, fun times when you get home, because even ugly American men are twice as attractive as your average Rusky. So go for it, comrade, and then let me know how it goes.

Need help with your relationship problems? Madame Amber can help. Drop her a line at madame@uncleboise.com.

Madame Amber has been prohibited from eating lollipops near young men.